At least he knows the proper terms for the goodies!

It was a rather peaceful Wednesday night. Big Poppa was away on a business trip (to play in a golf tournament...sounds like hard work to me ::insert eye roll here::) so it was just me and the stinks. We played, watched some Dora, had a snack and some milk and it was time for jammies and bed.

I change Avery. No biggie other than her normal combative behavior. A kick to the stomach doesn't even faze me anymore because of that child. Now it's Luca's turn.

Oh, my sweet, sweet Luca.

Let me set the scene. Luca was laying on the floor of Avery's room, naked. Av is in the background reading about 'octopussy's' (and yes, that's her word. I've tried to correct her). Luca is now playing with his penis. This is how the conversation goes:

Me: Luke, stop playing with your weiner. It's not going anywhere.

Luca: Mama, I have a pee-nos.

Me: Yes baby, you have a penIS.

Luca: And you have a bagina.

Me: Yes honey, I have a VAgina. (see, I try to teach them the proper pronunciation!)

Luca: And Avie have a bagina?

Me: Yes baby, Avie also has a VAgina.

Luca: And Daddy have a pee-nos too. Yike ('Like') me!

Me: Yes sweetie.

Luca: Mama, you got a crotch.

Awesome. Just awesome.

I quit my job. And it felt so good!

Have you ever wanted to scream at your boss, "I'm done...I quit" and then hang up on him/her?

Yes?

Well I got to actually do it. And I highly recommend doing it at least once in your life. It feels so good! It's like not drinking my beloved Bailey's for a week and then having that first sip...ahhhh, glorious alcohol!

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it, kicked some serious ass at it and make the company a serious amount of money but the boss man was a world class dickbag. Here's just a small breakdown of why I no longer work for him and why I screamed at him and then proceeded to hang up on his ass:

1. Mama can only take so many bounced paychecks. I'm a loyal and sympathetic girl (most of the time), but you take advantage of me and I will go ninja on your ass.

2. After having so many bounced paychecks, don't even try and yell at me for cashing the check rather than just depositing it (only for it to bounce a week later).

3. You can only blame late deliveries on the "idiot delivery driver" so many times. Especially when 9 times out of 10, you were the one delivering and not the idiot delivery driver.

4. When a client orders pork tenderloin, it is not okay to just give them ham because you didn't have the pork tenderloin ready. And no, you cannot then get pissy with them when they question where the fuck the pork tenderloin is.

5. When my days become spent apologizing to clients and running around the county to clear up bounced paychecks, I throw in the towel.

6. And finally, I have two children and a husband to stay on top of. I did not house you in my uterus nor did you put a ring on it. Therefore, I should not have to nag you like only a mother and wife know how. You cannot blame your forgetfulness on your "ADD" forever. You're in your 50's. Drug yourself like every other kindergartner with ADD.

So, I'm taking this as my summer vacation. The kids and I ran errands yesterday and went to the zoo today. I'm even gonna get all Betty Crocker tomorrow and make some cake balls for a party on Sunday. Nothing too crazy though. It is summer vacation which means it's illegal to exert too much energy.

I live life on the edge. I laugh in the face of danger.

You know you're life has taken a sad, sad turn when you're idea of danger is laying in bed, playing solitaire on your iPhone with the fear of God in you that the light from the phone will wake your sleeping toddler who is mere feet away.

Sad, right?

That's about as dangerous as life has been lately. Blog has been neglected, eyebrows have been neglected, swimsuit body...well, that's just too far gone at this point. We're past neglected on that one.

On another topic...can someone please explain to me why my son is obsessed with dog poop? He marches around the house singing, "let's go see the dog poopy!" Then he'll proceed to tell me he wants to eat it. Ummmm....I've never fed him dog poop before. At least not that I'm aware of. What the hell could be so appetizing about it? Ahh, toddler boys. Gotta love them.

Avery is imitating every little thing that Luca does. Luca decides he wants to eat his dinner like a dog so Avery proceeds to go face first into her plate also. Monkey see, monkey do. Luca climbs on top of furniture....Avery is right behind him. She is completely fearless too. Especially around water. Which throws me into cardiac arrest every 2.5 seconds.

This post goes out to my wonderful friend Kate whom I've so neglected by not blogging as much. I promise I'll try to get back in the swing of things!!!