Let the judging and showboating begin...

Because we all know that's exactly what happens at a high school reunion. Particularly your first reunion ever. We can all pretend that we are going there to catch up with old friends and see how everyone's doing but in the back of everyone's mind is the same thing....

'Did she/he get fat?'

'Is she/he still a bitch/asshole?'

'Is she/he more successful?'

'Who has the most money, cutest kids, hottest wife/husband?'

I could go on but I won't. Unfortunately, this is what reunions have become and the reason that I am not particularly looking forward to mine. Which will sound even crazier after I give you this little tidbit of info...

I'M THE ONE WHO PLANNED IT!

There are a good amount of people who will be there that I genuinely look forward to seeing. They are people who I was friends with in high school, lost touch throughout college and so on and then re-acquainted with on MySpace (when I was still on MySpace) or Facebook. I don't feel like I'll be judged by these people. But there are others who I know will be judging and it's really unsettling. I've always been the type that cares what other people think. I know I shouldn't but I do. 

For example, I got an email from one particular 'cool' kid (and by cool I mean super uncool) asking me if I could I send him the list of people who already sent in their ticket money because he was 'on the fence' about attending and wanted to see who else would be there before rsvp'ing. 

This is what I mean. Did he want to make sure that those who were attending would live up to his super cool standards? Worth his time? It just blows my mind how shallow some people still are. And Christ, if you're gonna be that shallow at least don't admit to it. Bury that shit deep in your conscience! 

Soooooo, any good reunion stories for me?

Will I ever wake up in a good mood again?

Avery woke up yelling at 4:30am. So I quick go to the bathroom because I know she's going to end up in bed with me. I go in and get her (luckily she hadn't woken Luca) and she's just sitting in her crib yelling and talking, but more yelling than talking. She comes in bed with me and wants no parts of going back to sleep. I finally give in and get her a bottle. She drinks and then starts to fall asleep. Ahhhhh. Sweet success and sweet sleep! Or so I thought.

She decides to not only get up but to start yelling and crying now. Fabulous. So we go in the living room and lay on the couch where I proceed to tell her (as nice as one can tell her at 5am) that it's still sleepy night night time and she needs to go back to sleep. ::gasp!:: She listened and promptly fell back asleep on my chest. No prob. I can do this. So after getting as comfortable as possible I start to doze. I was right at that twilight (no, not the most awesome book turned movie series ev-uh) phase where you're right between sleep and awake when who do I hear? Ahhhh, Lukey. Sweet, sweet, crappy timing Lukey.

So I get up (whilst saying the rosary in the hopes that Avery doesn't wake back up) and lay her down in my bed and go in and get Luca. Now it's Avery, me and Luca all in bed together. It was tight but do-able. And I didn't mind. I had both my boogers laying with me in bed. It was warm and cozy. Luke is good about laying in bed quietly with me in the morning so I wasn't worried. I tell him that it's still sleepy night night time and that he needs to go back to sleep and he very quietly and sweetly says, "Oh-tay." He has one ya-ya (which is a pacifier in Cav family talk) in his mouth and the other one in his hand. He does this weird thing where he sucks on the one and then takes the other one and tries to stick it up his nose (thank GOD his nostrils aren't big enough to fit the ya-ya or we'd have a serious problem!). (PS - does anyone elses kid do this? It's a little weird, right?) And this is where I'm thinking, 'okay. This isn't too bad. I'll get maybe another 30-45 minutes.'

I get back to that twilight phase when I feel (not hear...she's a silent, sneaky little girl) two hands climbing up my back and onto my side.  Before I know it homegirl is up on the side of me staring over at Luca. Luca spots her and it all goes in the crapper. They are both kneeling up on the side of me like they're having a face off or something. And I'm just laying there thinking 'fuuuuuuuuuuck.' 

Done. Sleep = over.

She spits out her ya-ya and begins talking to Luca who promptly responds with something about blueberries, strawberries and bananas. Now they're both at full throttle, talking a mile a minute. He's saying something about a park and some big playground that he wants to go to. Avery's doing her normal babble. 

So we're up now. And I'm cranky. Will I ever wake up happy or content again? Will I ever feel well rested again? 

I've come to the realization that it's purely a choice on my part. I can either choose to wake up happy or choose to wake up crabby.

Today, I choose crabby. 

It's been 4.5 years but apparently I may not actually be married after all.

Get this. 

Big Poppa and I might not be legally married after all.  Here's the scoop.

We recently moved to a new state. I finally convinced Big Poppa to take a day off of work so we could go get our new licenses. We had all the proper documents, or so we thought. It turns out the "marriage license" wasn't actually a license at all but a certificate from the Church just saying we were married. It wasn't the legal document. So we had to call the county we were married and obtain an original copy of our marriage license.

So I finally get all the crap done to send the request off. I had to type out this letter and include a self addressed return envelope along with two separate money orders totaling $35. Yeah, total pain in the ass. But I did it. I get the letter back in the mail from the county only for them to cash my $15 money order and tell me, "here is your $20 back...you aren't married. Sucka."

Monday morning arrives and I call the church pronto. They take all my information and request that I additionally send an email outlining everything and providing all information. No problemo. I took me three tries to finally get the right email address (I wasn't really on my game yesterday) but it finally went through. I thought I would hear back from them at some point during the week so you can imagine my surprise when I get a phone call at 9:20PM on Monday night. It's Father George and he is hella upset. 

They have no record of our marriage on file. They were frantically searching for the paperwork and hoping its in their archives. They also have the priest who married us (who has since been transferred twice since we were married...that's a little suspect, no?) searching his files thinking maybe he brought them with him (which he shouldn't have but thats another story). And apparently the priest who married us is kind of known for his poor paperwork filing/filling out skills. 

Awesome.

He was saying things like, "holy God! How did he marry you? It's illegal. How could he do that?! This is a huge problem. This is really bad. There's a $10k fine." In which I responded, "FOR WHO???" Thank God, it'll be on the church. I honestly don't think I've EVER heard a priest so upset before. He is seriously frantic. Christ (ummm, probably shouldn't be saying Christ when referring to a priest, right?! Whatevs.), he called me at 9:20PM!!! I was in the zone by that point...no kids, one of my DVR'd shows on the tv, Snickers bar in hand. I wasn't expecting a call from a priest!

I did realize that we took our license out in Montgomery County, not Philadelphia County. So as long as the priest actually filled out and sent the paperwork back after we were married, it should be there. Apparently with a marriage license there are 3 copies. One for the court, one for the church, and one for us. We don't have any copy and so far the church can't find their copy. Fabulous.

I swear on my Snickers bar that I couldn't make this shit up. And only this kind of crap would happen to me. I'm mean, for real???

***UPDATE: We are MARRIED!!!! The license was found in the MontCo courthouse! Good thing too cause I don't know how my super religious in laws would have felt about us having two children out of wedlock!

Clearly my children hate me. I'll prove it.

For the last week or so now Luca has been waking up in the middle of the night screaming and crying. We would go in and get him out of fear that he would wake Avery up. Luckily, he never did. But he would still come into our bed and proceed to kick, punch, slap, scratch and head butt us for the rest of the night. The kid moves all over the place when he sleeps.

So last night we had a little intervention with him. I explained that we would not come in and get him if he cried and that he would have to just cry a little and then go back to sleep on his own. I really reinforced that he would not be coming into our bed. 

Big Poppa and I went to bed with our fingers crossed. Maybe we should have also done a voodoo dance.

Avery was up, screaming, at 10:45pm. REALLY?!?! REALLY?!?!

She pretty much screamed off and on until 1am.  Every time we would try to sit or lay down with her, she lost her ever loving mind. Finally at 1am I threw the white flag and gave her a bottle. She finally settled in after that and fell asleep where she proceeded to kick, punch, slap, scratch and head butt me for the remainder of the night. Ahhh...the joys of having children. 

She woke up at around 6:15am and wouldn't stop whining and yelling so that was it. She was up for the day.

And who slept the ENTIRE night, woke up at 7:10am and without so much as a peep? 

Fucking kids.

Screw you, candy corn song!!!

Who watches Nick Jr.? Oh come on...just admit to it. Sure, your kid might watch but so do you.

So who knows the "I don't like candy corn" song that Moose E. Moose sings? It's quite catchy and admittedly, I've memorized it. 

Here it is if you've never had the pleasure of watching/listening to it over and over and over and over and over. "I DON'T LIKE CANDY CORN!"

But if I have to hear my kid wake up one more morning asking for, "candy corn, candy corn, candy corn" I just might become homicidal. All day long this kid wants that damn candy corn song. 

Well guess what? They aren't even playing it anymore because Halloween is over. Which makes the kid want the damn song even more!!! And try to make a 2 year old understand that the network won't air the song anymore because the holiday is over. Yeah, that's not working out so well for me.

If any Nick Jr. execs are reading this...please start selling a DVD of the Moose E. Moose songs that you sing in between the regularly scheduled programs. I can guarantee you'll make an ass load of money off them. Hell, I'll buy a few copies!

My night as a poser in Manhattan.

Monday morning I left for NYC to pretend to be a model. Go ahead, have a good laugh. Done now?

Okay, moving on.

A former client of mine who makes custom dresses and wedding gowns was asked to participate in a super high end bridal event. The minimum amount that the brides are spending on their weddings is $100k. So yeah, super high end and crazy over the top. 

This is a recap of my two day vacation! (Yes...vacation. I had NO kids or husband for 2 whole gloooorious days!)

_________________________________________________________________

This is how my trip starts: Avery was getting a breathing treatment so she was screaming bloody murder. So much for a loving kiss and cuddle from my baby girl. Then as I'm pulling away I see Luca standing at the door with a big pouty lip and I can read his lips. He's saying, "Mama! Mama!" So what do I do? Sob, of course.

I have about a 30 minute drive to the train station that would take me up to Penn Station. I get there, get my ticket and have to get something to eat or I'll die. A little dramatic? Maybe. But I'm going for effect here, people. I run into the little cafe place and am trying to buying my stuff when the train pulls up. Apparently it's the first day on the job for the checkout lady because she looked at my credit card like it was a foreign object. 

"Just swipe it, just swipe it. No, I don't want the wrap anymore. I want to put it back. I'm gonna miss the train! No, no receipt!!" 

It was a uneventful train ride up. Quiet and relaxing with my bagel and Snapple. And then I got to Penn Station and needed an ATM. Sweet Jesus. It was like looking for a needle in a haystack. And to the gentleman at the Tourist Information booth. You're an asshole! And last time I checked, it was your job to help me! Mr. Helpful tells me that the Bank of America ATM is downstairs. Okay. Easy enough, right? 

So I walk all over Penn Station trying to find this fucking ATM. But it makes no sense to me. All the train tracks are downstairs and all the banks and restaurants are upstairs. He also mentioned that there was one across the street from the station. So after walking in circles around Penn Station and looking like a total tool, I decided to cut my losses and just go to the one outside. 

I finally get some cash and jump in a cab. And praise Jesus...I actually survived the cab ride! It was a little shaky there a few times and I thought my bagel and Snapple might be making another appearance but it came to an end after just $8.10 (yes, I measure cab rides by how much I paid and not by how many minutes it took to get there).

My room wasn't ready so I ended up grabbing lunch and checking out the venue. I was really surprised how little they had set up at that point (the show started at 4pm). After inhaling an awesome salad from Cosi I headed over for hair and makeup. Fittings - done, makeup - loved it, hair - not so much. I looked like I had wings on the side of my head. But it wasn't up to me so I went with it. Beauty is interpreted in different ways, right? RIGHT?! 

So, it's show time and holy shit! I seriously never expected that many brides! They just came pouring in! I started out the night in a deco flapper-ish wedding dress. It was super cool and really, really comfy too! I got to wear one of those fancy pants caged veils with a big feathery type hair piece in it. Think Carrie Bradshaw from the Sex in the City movie. LOVES IT! 

From there I made two more wardrobe changes into a vintage beaded gown that cost around $5,000. Now I know how the Victoria Secret models feel when they were that million dollar bra and panty set. Yeah, we totally have something in common now. Don't hate. 

My last change of the night was into a big wedding gown. Can I tell you how much I loved that?! I wanted to get married all over again. And of course it had a big old hoop skirt and feathers and rhinestones...everything gawdy you could imagine but very tastefully done! It was beautiful!

I was done the show by around 8pm so I hightailed it over to a bar a couple blocks away and ordered some food to go. While waiting on said food I decided to have a drink while I watched the Phils (my hometown team) take on the Yankees in the World Series. Well, I think the bartender got pissed that I was cheering for the Phils and slipped a roofie into my second drink because by the time I stood up, I was drunk. 2 drinks??? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME???

I stumble to my hotel room and inhale my cheeseburger that took 45 minutes to cook and the drunk Facebooking ensues. It wasn't pretty, folks. I have many embarrassing status updates and comments to live down. But at least I provided my friends and family with a little entertainment. 

Sunday morning I decided to walk around a little even though I had a killer headache from my raging drunken party night. I thought maybe getting a little something in my stomach would help so I jumped into a Starbucks real quick. As I stood in line and perused the baked goods I started sweating and spinning a bit. Nope...food was still the enemy. 

So I walked.

And walked.

And walked some more.

I walked all the way up Fifth Avenue to Central Park. By then I thought I could handle a soft pretzel and luckily, I could. On my way back to the hotel I even stopped at Rockefeller Center. It was such a beautiful day for this type of walking.  I took my time and people watching and checked out the architecture of the churches (they were beautiful, p.s.) and stopped in stores. I really didn't want to have to leave but the hotel check out time was nearing. That and there were these 2 little kids in another state who needed me or something like that. Pft. Whatevs.

I checked out and made it to the train safely (again, holla for not getting killed in or by a NYC taxi). I'm sitting there just minding my business, waiting to find out what track the train is coming in on when what happens? Some fucking CUH-RAZY lady decides to sit next to me. And I'm talking for real crazy. All of sudden she starts yelling at David. Don't ask me who David is because he sure as shit wasn't there with her. But wherever you are David, you fucking pissed her off! She was grunting and yelling. Oh and did I mention she had a big bandaid over her eye? Bitch looked hardcore. I certainly didn't want to fuck with her. For starters, she still had one good eye. Not to mention, I didn't want to be the one with the bandaid on my eye! I like my baby blues! Did I stalk her and make sure I sat on the opposite side of the train? Yes, I absolutely did.

After all of that, the train ride home was uneventful. I got to kiss on my baby girl when I got home and once Luke woke up from his nap, he got the same lovin'! I really missed them and thought about them constantly. This is the first time that I wasn't sad missing them. Does that make sense? I missed them but in a good way. Something would remind me of them and I would start laughing in the middle of the street (whose the crazy lady now?). I totally needed this break and I took complete advantage of it. I had a great time and came back refreshed and ready for the next temper tantrum. I can't wait to do it again...maybe next week? Eh. A girl can dream.