This post is probably gonna be a bit all over the place but you're all smart peeps, you'll follow!

What has it been, 10 days, since I last blogged? It seems like longer than that. I went to the IL's (in-law's) for the weekend and then just didn't leave. They currently live 4 blocks from the beach and it's gloooooorious! But they sold their house and are moving back up our way at the end of May. :( Sad face to that. It's so nice to put the demon spawns, I mean angels, to bed and then sit in the den, watching a movie in the dark, with all the windows open and the sounds and breeze of the ocean wafting in. Ok...I can't say the word wafting without thinking of farts. So I'll say streaming in. That's better. Aw balls...now talking about farts totally poo'd on me setting the scene. And you know what I just realized? I can get distracted very easily when speaking of fart. Good lord. How did you like that tangent?

Anyway, we were down the shore and it couldn't have been more perfect weather. We brought Luca to the boardwalk and he hopped on some rides for the first time. It was pretty funny. The next day we took both kids to the beach. I thought for sure that Luca would touch the arctic tundra water and come screaming crying back to me. But I was wrong. Instead my little Scuba Steve LOVED the ocean and it's below freezing temperatures. He kept running back in and didn't want to hold my hand. We finally had to leave with him throwing a major tantrum because he refused to stop running in the water without me or the hubs nearby. And maybe also because I was hypothermic at that point. Whatevs.

So I finally came home on Tuesday and honestly, even that was too soon. I can wholeheartedly say that I enjoy my IL's and love watching them interact and love on the kids. These babies really are their world and I love watching it. And also maybe getting to drink while they watch and play with the kids. Hey...Mama needs a break sometimes!

Luca has also started saying complete words. He usually just pronounces the beginning of the word. For example, Mickey was Mick. Well now he's actually saying Mickey and airplane. It's too cute. But he might get a smack on the ass if he keeps pounding his fucking fork into my dining room table. That's not so cute. He's also learned how to sing twinkle twinkle, the itsy bitsy spider, and take me out to the ball game. I need to get it on tape. But then again I probably think it's way cuter than you all would since I birthed him and everything.

Avery is also doing well. Girlfriend is a homebody though. She was a crank pot while we were down the shore. By Tuesday she was finally warming up to my IL's and then we left. Once we got home she went right back to her normal, perfect, happy self. Figures. She's also mastering the baby food! Can I get an Amen?! It only took a couple weeks but we're finally there!
Ok enough already. I don't want to bore you with all the baby/toddler talk so I'll just jump to the pictures.

I'll be back...

...I promise!!! I've been away for a few days and am still catching up. Hopefully tonight I can sneak a post in!

Can I get a hallelujah?!?!?!

...because all the sickness has left our home! Woooooo-fucking-hooooooo! Seriously whores, it was getting a little but ridiculous for a while there. But rest assured, all kids seem to be back to their normal temper tantrum fueled selves and my BFF's wedding is over so I can actually start to re-focus on the important things. No, not stimulating and properly raising my children. Pft. The blog, sillies. Duh.

I won't get into all the fun details of the wedding (like when the bride's stepfather licked the groom's sister up the arm and onto her face) because who wants to hear that crap, right?! Or the cousin who showed up to the rehearsal dinner in purple (and I mean ELECTRIC purple...not pretty eggplant purple) eyeshadow and eye liner complimented by skull and cross bones knee high socks. Ah, good times!

What I would like to discuss is my lesbian love for Bethenny Frankel from Real Housewives of NYC. 

Seriously, I want to grope her. She better pray to sweet loving Jesus that I never come into contact with her. She's fucking hilarious! I enjoy the trainwrecks of the OC and Atlanta as well but Bethenny makes NYC the best. If you have never seen it, you must. She cracks some of the funniest one liners! And the best part is that she's not even a housewife. Homegirl isn't even married. Christ, she doesn't even have a boyfriend. So I'd love to know how she landed this gig but those are just details, right?

I would love to continue discussing my infatuation with Bethenny but my children are whining. Actually, it's just Avery whining. Her and I aren't friends today. 30 minutes until Daddy gets home.......THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!

8 Things...

So, I found this over at Sherrie's blog, and I thought I could put my sarcastic touch on it. Here are 8 things about me...

8 things I'm looking forward to...
1. Not having this headache tomorrow (fingers crossed).
2. Amanda's wedding this weekend.
3. Wearing pants that actually fit me to the rehearsal dinner tomorrow night. (the muffin top has been stored away for the time being)
4. The new episode of Southland. (another show for me to be addicted to...awesome!)
5. Sleeping at Amanda's house tomorrow night (translation: NO KIDS!)
6. Warm weather. Because this cold shit is for the fucking birds. I'm over it.
7. A day without hives. But I won't get my hopes up.
8. Consuming alcohol at the wedding. This needs no explanation.

8 things I did yesterday...(proof that my life is lame)
1. Gave Avery her Prevacid.
2. Gave Avery her Amoxicillin.
3. Gave Luca his Zyrtec.
4. Gave Avery her Zantac. Are we seeing a trend here?
5. Took Luca to the pedi.
6. Cuddled with Avery.
7. Read books to Luca.
8. Played cars with Luca.

8 things I wish I could do...
1. Manage the housekeeping better. Or at least maybe just get the energy to actually do some housekeeping.
2. Transform my body back into pre-baby form. I should have taken advantage of it while I had it. I should have whored it out or posed for Playboy or something.
3. Drink like I did in college. I'd be a hurt bag if I did that nowadays!
4. Sit down and read for more than 10 minutes.
5. A back flip. Seriously, how cool would it be for Luke and Avery to be like, "yo, my moms can do a back flip!"
6. Get on the internet from my phone. That would be dangerous for the other drivers on the road though. I'm watching out for YOUR safety people!
7. Milo Ventimiglia. WHAT?! You said 8 things I wish I could DO. A girl can dream!
8. Eat fat free or low calorie foods but I just can't. I need the fully fattening and buttery and salty versions. Don't try and pull any low fat ice cream or reduced calorie salad dressing out on me. You'll be wearing it.

8 shows I watch...(there are SO many more than this too...which is kind of pathetic)
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Southland
3. Parks and Recreation
4. Ghost Whisperer
5. Real Housewives of OC, NYC, Atlanta, ALL OF THEM!!!
6. Heroes
7. 24
8. Without a Trace

8 people I tag...
EVERYONE!!! Because I'm too damn lazy to choose 8 people and then link in your individual blogs. Hey, at least I'm honest, right?!

It's that time again! Time to whore out your friends/blog buddies! Add your own Whore-Out Wesnesday post (be sure to grab the button) to your blog and link to us so we can enjoy!

I missed last week because honestly, the days are just all running together at this point. We can't seem to get out from under this cloud of germs. Avery is finally recovering from her bout with pneumonia and Luke was doing good with his second cold/cough of the month and then suddenly broke out in massive hives. So now we're on day 2 of massive hives that Benadryl isn't doing shit for. Hopefully the Zyrtec that the pediatrician gave us will work. I need him back at school tomorrow. I got shit to do!

Ok, this week I'd like to Whore-Out the blog Cake Wrecks. The shit is just funny. The cakes that some "bakers" create are just horrendous! I also love the sarcastic tone of the blog because if you couldn't tell already I too am a bit sarcastic. You know you're hooked when you walk past cakes and look for an especially shitastic one that you can submit to Cake Wrecks. But I don't do that. I'm just sayin' that that's how you know you're addicted. That's all. Right.

So please go enjoy this blog as I do. And I dare you to not get sucked in and stalk you're nearest Acme for big poop looking cakes!

Write your own post on your blog and link it back to mine . Then come back here and post a link to it in the comments!

A Realization about Holidays

So stay with me on this...

While driving home Sunday from our whirlwind day of Easter celebrations I came to the realization that holiday madness will NEVER get better. This is my reality for at least the next 20 years and sweet Jesus, that is depressing! We go to the ends of the Earth to create these precious memories and build traditions for our little ones and what do they do? Throw tantrums, refuse sleep, spit out food, smear jelly all over their spiffy new outfits, and then whine the whole way home. Um, remind me why it's worth it? Christ almighty...I needed a scotch on the rocks at the end of the day but did the Easter bunny bring me anything??? Nooooooo. Jerk.

Regardless of my whining, we did still create memories and build traditions. We went to church. Let me add that I don't consider myself to be religious however I do feel I am very faithful and spiritual. I don't believe I need to go to church every Sunday to prove my faithfulness to Jesus. But that's for another post. Hubster on the other hand is your typical church goer. Usually mass lasts an hour, tops. But not this one. An hour and 40 minutes later, Luke was spazzing and Avery was just jabbering away. That's when I turned to my holy husband and told him we were leaving. Peace out God.

We went straight over to my sisters for an easter egg hunt and dinner. I have 9 nieces and nephews so to say it was deafening madness was an understatement. It was fun nonetheless. Luca ate a banana, pretzel fish, a chocolate chip cookie, and a biscuit for dinner. Awesome. And he threw about 3.2 million tantrums because he only got a 30 minute nap. Again, awesome.

No offense to the big man upstairs but I was never so happy to see a holiday end.

A few pictures from our joyous home...

A skankdrop giveaway!!!

So a wonderfully skankalicious buddy is celebrating her 100th post with a suh-weet giveaway.

Head on over to Mama Loco to enter!!!

Congrats Mel!

Mickey and his crew aren't very smart.

Yet I continue to allow my children to watch it. Yes, I allow my 5 month old to watch tv. I'll wait while you go call Family Services....

Ok, now that that's done let me explain. On one of today's episodes (because there are 30 episodes of it every freaking day) Mickey, Minnie, Daisy, and Donald are trying to get to some dance contest or some shit. They have to walk there. Here's my first issue...why not fly in your convenient little hot air hand balloon? Wouldn't that make more sense and save you a load of time?

Then they come to a maze and they get all worked up because they have to get through the maze in order to continue. Um, hello?! Walk around the fucking thing. No need to get all in a tiff about which path to choose when you can just walk around it! Plus, why take the hard way when there is clearly an easier way to do things?! Whatevs...maybe I'm just lazy. 

Then they get to Mickey Park which they have to walk through to arrive at their final destination but who stops them? Pete. Pete, the big doofus, demands 4 yellow bows (random much) in order for them to be admitted into MICKEY park. Yes, the fucking park is named after Mickey and he's letting Pete tell him he can't walk through his own park?! That shit wouldn't fly with me. 

Speaking of Pete...I don't understand him. Sometimes he's mean and sometimes he's nice. I think he's bipolar.

Here is Pete dressed as a woman. See what I mean? He can't even decide if he wants to be a man or woman!

And it's also just dawned on me that I've spent way too much time thinking about Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I used to drink my morning coffee and debate politics with the hub or brainstorm a strategy for closing a lucrative deal with a potential big client. What has my life become?

On another quick note...we recieved a phone call from the Children's Hospital yesterday about little Avie Baby. They missed something on her xray and wanted us to come back immediately. So off we went to the ER. Thank God there were no Fiesty Mama's this time! It turns out she has a mild case of Pneumonia. She was put on antibiotics and hopefully will make a quick recovery now!

7.5 hours in an ER waiting room + 2 Mom's from the projects = an AWESOME blog post!

You probably won't believe half the shit I put in this post but believe you me, it's all true. I swear on a bottle of Bailey's.

It started Sunday when Avery began getting more snotty and by Monday her cough was horrendous. She would cough so hard that she started choking and losing her breath. It was really scary to watch her turn purple. During one of the worst coughing attacks I flipped her over because I really thought she was choking and wacked her on the back. Out comes a huge, grodey mucus ball. Nastiness. But I'm sure it probably helped a little. My poor baby kind of looked like this only miniature...

Anyway, by that night things just got worse. So I packed her up and we trekked over to Children's Hospital. By this point it was 9pm and the place was PACKED! 

So I sign in and settle in. We get called back relatively quickly but it was trick. They only wanted her vitals (she also had a fever...sweet). So back out to the waiting room. Here's the fun part. We sat for 5.5 hours before being called back. And now to the beef of this post, the gems of wisdom I learned from the two Fiesty Mamas (from here on out they shall be referred to as FM1 and FM2) that befriended me in the waiting room.

FM1's baby daddy (referring to her 2nd baby daddy...her 1st daughter has a different baby daddy) is a "drug addict pizza face." Please don't ask me what a pizza face is because I'm clueless. Unless the man is covered in sauce, cheese, and pepperoni and is baked to a crispy finish then I got nothing. FM2's baby daddy is a wannabe rapper. 

Here are a few things that I learned from the Fiesty Mama's...

- it is okay to smoke weed whilst pregnant because weed "don't do nothing to a baby." Oh and while we're at it, drinking beer isn't a big deal either. Beer puts hair on a baby. What? You didn't know that?!

-it is okay for your baby daddy/man to cheat because all men do. But as long as you have his kid, then you're number 1 and other bitches don't matter. It's all about respect. Sing on, sisters.

-people be hatin', but whatever. I heard this more times than I can count.

-taking percocet because you're having some pre-term contractions will cause the hospital to call Family Services on your ass.  It has nothing to do with the fact that you smell like weed and beer.

-feeding your 3 month old baby eggs, potatoes, grits, and BACON (yes, I said BACON) is perfectly normal. "She a fatty...hahahaha!" This has nothing to do with the percentage of obese children in the world today. Why not just hook an IV of lard up to the kid?!

-it's ok for a baby (and by baby I mean a 2 month old) to drink an entire bottle of water because it clears up their "thresh" which I assume means thrush. Going to a doctor/clinic and getting a prescription for this infection, that has spread onto her face, isn't even a viable option.

I was never so happy to hear my daughter's name called out! While it was nice chatting with these ladies and learning about their unique families, I was ready to be seen by some doctors. My poor baby was tired and sick. But the night was far from over. We finally were discharged at around 530am. I still had no sleep in me and poor Avie Baby had also been in and out of it. She was constantly woken up by puking kids, crouping babies, or psychotic teenagers who were "fixing to have a nervous fucking breakdown up in this shit." (her words, not mine...and she SCREAMED them at around 2am...good times).

Diagnosis - upper respiratory infection and a swollen throat from coughing so hard.

Treatment - abso-fucking-lutely NOTHING!

Yeah, no treatment. While I'm super happy and grateful that it was nothing serious, I'm super pissed that there is nothing I can do for her. She's still hacking her lungs up and choking and I have to just watch her. Fucking lame.

Here's hoping she starts feeling better. Poor baby just isn't her smiley, perfect self.

Sisters Night Out!

I have to admit that I have the best husband in the world. It's true. He gets the whole SAHM thing and how fucking hard it is to take care of two small children every single day. Thus, he knows I need to recharge the old battery once in a while. After the illnesses that have recently struck our house (and continue to as now Avery is sick), he decided to surprise me with a trip to DC with two of my sisters. How sweet is he?! Keep your paws off him ladies...he's spoken for.

Unfortunately, one of my nieces developed croup and we couldn't do DC but we did still manage to get into Philly for some piggy pampering (that would be a pedicure for those who don't speak Amy) and dinner (which by the way, I noticed my stomach was much larger the next morning after that meal...sweet Jesus!). The hubster even got me a hotel room for the night so I could have some uninterrupted sleep. It was GLORIOUS!!!! I didn't even get out of bed until 945am!!! 

And I have to say that I don't think I've laughed that hard in a LONG time. I love going out with my sisters. They are truly my best friends and while we do dislike each other on some days, we love each other a majority of the time. I was in tears for much of the day Saturday. The only thing that could have made it complete were if my other sister was there. Unfortunately she already had plans to see Thomas the Train. Yeah, Thomas won out over us. Whatevs. Hopefully she can join us next time though.

Back to my regular blogging just as soon as I get out of this cold/sinus infection haze. I swear that God is just leaning over my house and every time he sees that we're all feeling better, he sneezes and re-infects us. God has that kind of sense of humor. Don't be fooled.

Whore-Out Wednesday, er, Thursday!

It's that time again! Time to whore out your friends/blog buddies! Add your own Whore-Out Wesnesday post (be sure to grab the button) to your blog and link to us so we can enjoy!

I suck. Whore-Out Wednesday is my "thing" (whatever the f that means) and I missed it. I didn't even realize that today was Thursday. I went to do Wordless Wednesday and that's when it dawned on me that today was actually Thursday. Luckily, I get to change the time stamp. Haha...sucka.

So this week I'd like to whore out Amoxicillin.

This little bottle of refridgerated pink goodness is what turned a miserable little boy (and homicidal mommy) into this...

A perky if still somewhat temper tantrum fueled toddler. But at least I get a couple smiles a day now. Ah, drugs. I love 'em. 

Write your own post on your blog and link it back to mine . Then come back here and post a link to it in the comments!

Wordless Wednesday (and Thursday...both)